Spring

The other night, sipping wine, a cheap red, I wished someone would take me out to dinner. New flavors, new conversation. I felt like mango: maybe some kind of mango relish…And I thought but what does that entail? Afterwards I express my approval with my body. Or not. Is that what dating is? I can’tContinue reading “Spring”

I can do better

Looking at real estate online. Thinking about moving, thinking about selling. Wondering if I can afford it. Wondering where to go. And then I’m at the kitchen counter chopping an apple over the slab of granite I sourced and haggled over and helped wrestle into the back of my ex’s pick-up. It sat in theContinue reading “I can do better”

The Devil’s Tears

Memorizing a monologue from a play: the nostalgic musings of a discouraged prostitute. I’m thinking about how almost everything in life is a negotiation. And these words from a song are stuck in my head on a loop: He said “I am the devil, boy, come with meAnd we’ll make many storms”He offered me theContinue reading “The Devil’s Tears”

Oregano, Mother

Making a tuna melt. It’s not really a tuna melt, because there’s no cheese. I’m a vegan who sometimes eats fish and sometimes also cheese, but never in tuna melts. It is what it is. (You can laugh. I do.) I decide to change up the seasoning: sprinkled oregano. And I’m reminded of my mother,Continue reading “Oregano, Mother”

The Unlearning

Cereal again. I’m trying this new sugar-free muesli. Muesli always reminds me of my dad. How he always used to pour me a bowl when I visited him, before he left for work. When I was a kid, I dished out my own cereal. But as an adult, as a guest in his home, itContinue reading “The Unlearning”

Business Card

Pouring my cereal just now. Reaching in the fridge for the milk. My ex’s name flashes before my eyes–the ex I had to banish. And I think wait a minute. What was that? I scan the front of the fridge and I don’t see it, so I peer around the side. There it is: theContinue reading “Business Card”

A Fundamental Disagreement

This was the moment, if I had any agency as a toddler, I would have walked away from my family. I disagreed with my father–I mean really locked horns. Our farmer friend had given me a lamb to keep as a pet. Maybe he was even the same lamb I cradled as a newborn thatContinue reading “A Fundamental Disagreement”

The Cutest Boy in the Class

First grade, Oakland, California. Kids were kids in New Zealand; we played house and oversaw menageries of stuffed animals. Here, kids were mini-adults. They asked me what my father did for a job. What kind of car we drove. Whether or not I had a boyfriend. I had a hard time getting across all this.Continue reading “The Cutest Boy in the Class”

Barcelona, the Beginning & the End

There was a major convention in Barcelona the night we arrived. My Australian travel agent had talked me out of booking accommodation; he assured me it was ‘the slow season’. I thought that was bad advice, but assertiveness is not my strong suit. So we drove around and around with an unoptimistic cabbie, running intoContinue reading “Barcelona, the Beginning & the End”

Barcelona, Part Two

After the day…Standing in a crowd, watching a busker with a full drum kit play along to Smells Like Teen Spirit; up front, a stooped older couple swayed to the beat with linked arms, faint smiles. Admiring them with my boyfriend. Waiting to cross the street behind a young man boldly wearing a band tourContinue reading “Barcelona, Part Two”