The other night, sipping wine, a cheap red, I wished someone would take me out to dinner. New flavors, new conversation. I felt like mango: maybe some kind of mango relish…And I thought but what does that entail? Afterwards I express my approval with my body. Or not. Is that what dating is? I can’t remember. My mind–this solitary, post-break-up, global pandemic bad news everyday mind–abstracts things. I keep walking outside in the mornings just as a bald eagle is flying overhead, and away. The other day I told a neighbor I can’t wait for the cardinals to return. And the hummingbirds. I planted a whole garden for them. And now the crocuses are out, and some grass. The snow has melted, leaving mostly mud…We were talking about the lightning strike; our block was hit by lightning the other day. A deafening crack, a shock through the house, starting at the roof and shooting downwards, rattling the light in the room I was in. One dog stayed on the couch and one ran to me, trembling: my girl dog. It’s hard to describe how scary–how everything–it was. So loud, so sudden, so quick to remind me–to make sure I’m certain–of how small I am, and how epic the world is. The neighbors on one side lost power to their upper floors. Down the street, a mattress was struck and stood on end, causing the renters in an apartment complex to run outside, into the rain, they were all so terrified. Electronics were melted. But I’m fine. And I walked outside this morning, and saw the cardinal–the male–bright red and singing, hopping from branch to branch in the maples overhead. And I was so glad, and then I became worried. He called, over and over, and I wondered: where is his mate? A crow screeched a few doors down. A cat walked up the hill. A squirrel made an impressive long distance leap from a shed to a garbage can. And the cardinal kept chirping out his cheerful, hopeful, urgent little song, and I thought, if it comes to it, I’ll be your mate. At this point I am unsure whether I’ve utterly lost my grip on reality or completely restored it.

Published by msdeer

I am an interdisciplinary artist, slightly incognito here.

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